Serious talks and stupid rants.
As you can tell by the title, this post is more serious than the rest. It seems appropriate to put a 'trigger warning' at the start.
Over the years a lot of people have mistaken Trich for self harm, and as much as I understand why they would think that- its not the case for most. We find it comforting, pleasurable even.
However, some people with Trich do harm in other ways. As you can imagine, having no eyebrows, eyelashes, or massive patches of hair missing isn't such a confidence booster. You feel isolated, all alone. Every second of the day is spent either worrying about people seeing your patches, making new patches, crying about them, or fighting the need to pull. I am sitting here typing this now, because I've just had a breakdown. I was sitting, playing with my hair, on a 10 day pull free streak- the longest I've ever gone without pulling. When all of a sudden, I feel the urge, the need to pull. Stronger than it's ever been. My hands and arms start shaking, I have the perfect hair in my hands, and I just started sobbing. It took all my willpower to take my hand away. So much so I started to punch the bed. I was sobbing so hard I was sick, and still I felt the need to pull- Why?
I'll admit openly, yes- I have a history of harming. I've cut, burned, punched walls until my knuckles bleed. I've had violent outbursts and panic attacks. I have a love for energy drinks because it gives me a buzz similar to that of a pulling big tufts in one sitting. Without it I feel empty, as dramatic as it may sound. I feel hollow.
Today I was in therapy, and my therapist said to me "You seem hell-bent on destroying yourself Rachel, in all honesty I cant help you if you don't help yourself first."
'If I don't help myself first.' This comment upset me. angered me even. you see, my usual therapist is on leave because there is currently an infant growing inside of her. I've been going to the same woman since I was 8 years old, and then they bring in this new guy. It was evident he didn't take the time to even read my file, even if it has more pages than the bible, the only thing that he knew about me was what I've told him in that hour.
My usual therapist would have congratulated me on my streak, and see just how hard I have been trying, how much I've been helping myself. She's been with me for most of my life, the good and the bad. Yes, she has done things that I am still hurt about, but she ultimately knows all of me. unlike this new guy.
I'm sorry that I ranted but I needed to get that out of my system.
The point is, I have been though some things, and I did it, for the most part, all by myself. That's why I don't understand why I can't beat this. Why me? It makes me hate myself, I get so angry with myself for being so weak. I take it out on myself because I need to take it out on someone, but I know its all my own fault, no one else should have to deal with my issues, or stress over it, Its all on me. It's all my fault.
I am tankful that my life has has been no worse, and I am grateful for the circumstances I have been put in. All my experiences are opportunities to learn from and to grow from.
I was once on a trip to England with my two friends, and it didn't go as expected, but I didn't even care. I was just happy to be there, and happy to spend time with them. I felt, and still feel, so guilty for putting my friend though all the stress and noise and people. She wasn't feeling well the day before and all I wanted to do was stay home with her, and let my other friend go to the band. But I was selfish. That day I learnt that friends are more important than anything else.
Friends are the ones who will stay by your side, no matter what happens, Even when all else fails, even when you don't have a home, or a loving family, your friends will be there beside you though it all. They know you, the good and bad. They will never leave.
I put friends before all else. They see the worst of you, and still chose to stay for the best. I am thankful for every single one.
Over the years a lot of people have mistaken Trich for self harm, and as much as I understand why they would think that- its not the case for most. We find it comforting, pleasurable even.
However, some people with Trich do harm in other ways. As you can imagine, having no eyebrows, eyelashes, or massive patches of hair missing isn't such a confidence booster. You feel isolated, all alone. Every second of the day is spent either worrying about people seeing your patches, making new patches, crying about them, or fighting the need to pull. I am sitting here typing this now, because I've just had a breakdown. I was sitting, playing with my hair, on a 10 day pull free streak- the longest I've ever gone without pulling. When all of a sudden, I feel the urge, the need to pull. Stronger than it's ever been. My hands and arms start shaking, I have the perfect hair in my hands, and I just started sobbing. It took all my willpower to take my hand away. So much so I started to punch the bed. I was sobbing so hard I was sick, and still I felt the need to pull- Why?
I'll admit openly, yes- I have a history of harming. I've cut, burned, punched walls until my knuckles bleed. I've had violent outbursts and panic attacks. I have a love for energy drinks because it gives me a buzz similar to that of a pulling big tufts in one sitting. Without it I feel empty, as dramatic as it may sound. I feel hollow.
Today I was in therapy, and my therapist said to me "You seem hell-bent on destroying yourself Rachel, in all honesty I cant help you if you don't help yourself first."
'If I don't help myself first.' This comment upset me. angered me even. you see, my usual therapist is on leave because there is currently an infant growing inside of her. I've been going to the same woman since I was 8 years old, and then they bring in this new guy. It was evident he didn't take the time to even read my file, even if it has more pages than the bible, the only thing that he knew about me was what I've told him in that hour.
My usual therapist would have congratulated me on my streak, and see just how hard I have been trying, how much I've been helping myself. She's been with me for most of my life, the good and the bad. Yes, she has done things that I am still hurt about, but she ultimately knows all of me. unlike this new guy.
I'm sorry that I ranted but I needed to get that out of my system.
The point is, I have been though some things, and I did it, for the most part, all by myself. That's why I don't understand why I can't beat this. Why me? It makes me hate myself, I get so angry with myself for being so weak. I take it out on myself because I need to take it out on someone, but I know its all my own fault, no one else should have to deal with my issues, or stress over it, Its all on me. It's all my fault.
I am tankful that my life has has been no worse, and I am grateful for the circumstances I have been put in. All my experiences are opportunities to learn from and to grow from.
I was once on a trip to England with my two friends, and it didn't go as expected, but I didn't even care. I was just happy to be there, and happy to spend time with them. I felt, and still feel, so guilty for putting my friend though all the stress and noise and people. She wasn't feeling well the day before and all I wanted to do was stay home with her, and let my other friend go to the band. But I was selfish. That day I learnt that friends are more important than anything else.
Friends are the ones who will stay by your side, no matter what happens, Even when all else fails, even when you don't have a home, or a loving family, your friends will be there beside you though it all. They know you, the good and bad. They will never leave.
I put friends before all else. They see the worst of you, and still chose to stay for the best. I am thankful for every single one.
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